| Friends Only <3 |
[Jan. 1st, 2020|01:19 am] |
Friends Only.
Comment to be added <3 |
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| Stepping back |
[Apr. 30th, 2009|10:17 am] |
| [ | Music |
| | Fall Out Boy - The Pros and Cons of Breathing | ] |
Not trying to step on anyone's toes but you still see me as a threat. I should know that first instincts are always the ones to go with. I hate that my instinct told me to run. So I decided not to listen.
This is exactly what I was warned about a few weeks ago. I'm supposed to use this time to learn how to balance.I'm supposed to spend time with myself, re-evaluate life and also learn to take things in smaller doses. Not staying in tune with this has just turned into a combination of things ready to explode.
I'm not upset or mad about whats happened (maybe a little). I'm more...disappointed in myself. I let myself believe some false hope and I ran with it instead of away from it. I always do that.
I think it's time to get back to the old way, not entirely because that's what triggered the self-sabotaging cycle I was in before. This time I'm a little more wiser. I just need to apply these new experiences and learned lessons and see where it takes me. I'm glad its happening now where there is still time to take a few steps back. It works out.
I can't handle wearing my heart on my sleeve anymore anyways. Now I remember why I shut it down before. |
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| Gorgeous Day |
[Mar. 14th, 2009|01:05 pm] |
| [ | Music |
| | Shocking Silence - Benny Benassi | ] |
I should be studying but I'm not. What else is new?
This past week has been amazing.
I've been out and about, finally got a couple sofas and had a few adventures.
I finally understand the point of living. I've been feeling so low that I haven't been able to embrace anything. Life in general has dealt me some pretty craptastic cards. The worst part, I was completely in the dark about it but I'm not anymore and I won't let these shitty cards keep me down. I won't let it control me anymore. I'm better than this and I'm not as weak as I think I am.
Dear Life,
Go ahead and give me your best shot.
I promise, I'll shoot right back.
<3 Monica |
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| Random Videos |
[Feb. 19th, 2009|12:10 pm] |
0:56 has to be my favorite part. Poor David. Hahahah.
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| I must be sleep deprived. This post makes absolutely no sense and all the sense in the world! |
[Feb. 19th, 2009|03:39 am] |
Tiny pieces are coming together. Slowly, but it's happening none the less. I had an amazing conversation with the best person I know. She helped me understand what the hell goes on in this tiny head of mine. Progress. I focus on the idea of things far to much. I never just do what I want. There is this unnecessary fear I've been conditioned into and it rules every sober decision I make. I know what defines me. The clarity is there. I've been running around chasing my own tail before these last few weeks hit; chasing my tail and not knowing any better, always assuming that I knew what was wrong and how to fix it. There is nothing wrong except with what I label as wrong. Out with the negative, in with the positive. It didn't make any sense before. Everything felt positive and it never really was. I'm re-learning life. I'm re-learning compassion and confidence and trust. I'm re-learning what it takes to build relationships. I'm re-learning how to communicate. I'm re-learning how to live and how to conquer the moment.
I've been trying to come up with a quote, something to remind me of what's going on, something vague enough and open enough to interpretation.
This moment is only temporary.
I'm sure I didn't come up with this line on my own. It's probably some quote in a book, movie or song. I just can't seem to place my finger on it.
Anyways, I love it. It can be as simple as one wants it to be or as complex as you need it to be.
Think about it. Define a moment.
It can be as small as this moment in time, what you are doing right now. It can also translate into the equivalent of life. If you compare an individuals lifespan to the lifespan of the earth, it equates to a moment in your life compared to your actual lifetime, well not equate per say but you know what I mean.
The question is which way do you want to look at it? And once you figure that out, what can you do about it? How do you make the moment count. How do you mend the moments you've lost. How do you live the moment you're in. How do you let the moment you're in pass if it's just to difficult to take. I feel like if you can remind yourself that the moment is only temporary it's easier to figure out what matters most and it's easier to conquer.
Then again what the hell do I know? This may make absolutely no sense at all.
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| Taco Bell adventure |
[Oct. 23rd, 2008|10:39 am] |
It's always so interesting to see what life will throw at you.
Last night I ended up going on a midnight excursion with Cassie and Nadia. It was fun; walking downtown, grabbing taco bell.
On the way back home a homeless man was standing behind a fence and he started mumbling something about lost loves as we walked past him. I'll admit, I was scared but also fucking curious. If it hadn't of been 1 am and if he had not have been a homeless man I may have struck up a conversation with him. Just saying that makes me feel like a horrible person. Fear and stereotypes prevented what could have been an amazing conversation.
Hayley posted a blog today and she included a quote that basically said humans are always so quick to judge and label, never really seeing the true beauty behind a poison. And it makes complete sense. He looked homeless but it does not necessarily mean he was and he could have been completely harmless. Homeless shouldn't define you, but it does somehow. I know friends who have struck up conversations with the homeless and said it was one of the most amazing things they've done. They broke down that barrier, they took a chance and they learned something new. If anything it benefit both persons.
We let fear rule us to much, at least I know I do. And we end up missing out because of it.
Somehow it's about breaking through that. |
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| =[ |
[Oct. 3rd, 2008|11:40 pm] |
I'm so sad.
I fucking suck at guitar hero.
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| Taken from Kathryn |
[Sep. 13th, 2008|08:47 pm] |
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One little compliment can make you feel amazing. So give me a compliment, anything in the entire world, even that my shoelaces are pretty. Put this in your journal. And once you get some comments, put that entry in a memory or tag and when you are feeling down, just go to that entry and this will remind how great you are. |
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| I'm pretty positive... |
[Sep. 6th, 2008|10:26 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  awake | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Disturbia- Rihanna | ] |
...by the end of the day I will be a pile of melted skin and bones.
Appetizing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2008|10:28 am] |
I'm listening to Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness: Dawn to Dusk.
How old is this album? And why has it taken this long for me to realize how amazing it is.
I love the Smashing Pumpkins, they're so amazing. No wonder Corgan has the ego he has. I'd have his ego if I were him, for sure.
On another note, I took a sick day from work. God I've been horrible this summer, as far as it goes to actually going to work. It's 'cause they're not strict and don't give a shit about what you do. I'll make up the hours next week. I'll have too. At any other job I would've been fired by now for sure. I'm feeling a bit better today but today is the last day of sickness. You know how it gets fucking HORRIBLE right before it gets better? That is today. So I change my previous statement. I feel better knowing it's over soon, but I'm not really better.
I called SCProperty today. My keys are ready!! My keys are ready!! I officially live on Felix St. now. =]
I should get ready and carry out todays plans. I need to go to treatment then go to pick up my keys, head over to Jefferys for linner with Shusuke and Andrea and then head over to the apartment to check it out again. I don't remember what it looks like at all and its driving me crazy not knowing.
I think I've combined multiple layouts so this apartment looks nothing like I'm imagining it to right now.
Hahaha, whoops. |
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| This is gods way of telling me to quit smoking the cancer sticks. |
[Aug. 13th, 2008|03:12 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
Fuck I feel like shit.
I would literary LOVE to blow my brains out right about now.
I've gotten to the point where I'm not even clogged with mucus anymore but rather just plain old tar.
I blow my nose and the formly white tissue is decorated in gray. Isn't that just fan-fucking-tastic ( and probably way to much information, whoops)
It's interesting really and probably the WORST thing ever.
Fuck this. It totally blows.
I'm gonna go sleep the rest of my afternoon and night away.
Oh, on a quick and happier note, I pick up the keys for my apartment tomorrow.
How exciting!
(That is if the tar decides to be kind and doesn't choke me in my sleep.)
I am a dirty, filthy smoker and all of this is the result of that. |
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| What I'd like to say, but won't. |
[Jul. 31st, 2008|10:56 am] |
| [ | Music |
| | Disturbia - Rihanna | ] |
yeah.yeah.yeah.
I know, we know, they all know.
What is wrong with you?
This right here, is NOT what its about.
It's not and until you get that through you thick skull, you won't get anywhere.
I mean, look now, where are you?
fuckingpathetic. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2008|12:31 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Disturbia - Rihanna ( I just can't help myself) | ] |
I have black lungs and tired eyes and I wonder, is this even worth it?
Mismatched skin, one tone can never correspond with the other, not even on a good day.
I don't plan on living past 50 anyways, I'm sure my choice of diet and living proves that.
Well then, I'm nearly halfway done with my life, aren't I?
Wow.
Letting it click, letting it roll. |
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| It wasn't supposed to turn out like this. |
[Jul. 22nd, 2008|06:04 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | oh my | ] |
| [ | Mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Distance - Cake | ] |
This is completely frustrating!
I can't accomplish it; even when I'm starving for it.
I guess I've succeeded then.
I mean this was the original goal, wasn't it?
I've tricked you into thinking I don't need it.
But now. Now I want it and I can't hold it.
I'm supposed to be in control.
I am supposed to snap in and out of it whenever I want too.
Keyword: I. That means me!
You can't have control, so why do you?
Ugh, it wasn't supposed to turn out like this. |
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